Celebrity Names that Annoy Me

For those of you that have seen Donnie Darko, you will probably remember the scene where the teacher--played by Drew Barrymore--tells her English class that the two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cellar Door." And, in the television program Dead Like Me, George Lass's mother could not stand the sound of the word 'Moist'. Why am I explaining this? Because I have bronchitis, and I'm bored, AND I decided to come up with a definitive list of Celebrities with annoying names. I don't have a problem with these people normally. I actually enjoy some of their work, but, for whatever reason or another, their names bug me. Reading them, hearing them said aloud, or even thinking about them makes my spine hurt. If any of you harbor a secret fountain of rage that wells inside you whenever you hear a particular name, I'd like to hear about it. Oh, and I'm not talking about baby names either, we'll cross that bridge when those kids can vote--I'm coming for you Audio Science.

Celebrity Names that are Stupid and Annoying Sounding

Evan Rachel Wood--Because whenever I see her name in a sentence it reads like, "Even Rachel Wood..."but misspelled. Example, "Evan Rachel Wood was at the premier of The Wrestler."

Aubrey O'Day--A name that sounds too much like an Irish pixie for her to be taking her clothes off for money.

Ashton Kutcher--See Derek Jeter

Erykah Badu--Let me guess, your real name is Erica, am I right? Well, my name is Dayvyd DehMayrcho--the H's are pronounced like K's.

Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio--Did your parents get paid by the syllable? Try Liz Masters, better still Mary Masters, every one loves alliteration.

Vivica A. Fox--The A either stands for arrogant or Anjanetta, I can't remember, and is
entirely a. unnecessary.

Tawny Kitaen--Seriously? Why not Calico Kitaen? Tabby Kitaen? Ooh, Stray Kitaen, she could be a sexy hobo.

Nikki Sixx--Nikki Sixx is a dude? Color my face red. Total slut nickname.

Yves St. Laurent--I look at that name and all I can think of is that riddle about a man going to St. Yves, and when I think of that riddle I can't help but think of Die Hard III, and nothing should make me think of Die Hard III EVER.

Kat Von D--Apparently a tattoo artist of some sort, famous for being on the Discovery Channel which is like being famous for being a sex symbol on PBS. When I first heard her name, I thought it was Kat Fondu and I though, "Well, that's a stupid name" and, well, old habits and such.

Derek Jeter--I'm sure he's very nice but that name screams douche bag.

Dick Wolf--could have gone with Richard, but no, had to be a dick. See what I did there?

Shannyn Sossamon--offensive to anyone with a sideways lisp. Also, was the person who named her kid Audio Science.

Carmen Electra--Because it sounds totally made up, and it was totally made up by Prince. Also, I was typing in her name on Google because I wanted to look up her real name and I barely got out Carmen El...before the phrase, "Carmen Electra riding a sybian" popped up automatically. For those of you at work who do not know what a sybian is, do not go investigating because you will get fired. It is a mystery best left to uncover at home. Note: because I am chaste and pure, I had no idea so I looked it up. I knew that thing had to have a proper name.

Katy Perry--This is what her wikipedia entry says about her, "Perry is known for her unconventional style of dress, often humorous, bright in color, and reminiscent of different decades, as well as her frequent use of fruit-shaped accessories, mainly watermelon, as part of her outfits." Let me break that down for you, "Perry is known for being retarded." Bottom line: Is it "Katie" or is it "Catty"? Either way is dumb.



So, there are some names to get you started. And before any of you clever monkeys can say it, YES, I HAVE TOO MUCH FREE TIME. That has been established many times thank-you-very-much. I tried finding an existing list of stupid celebrity names but all anyone seems to care about are stupid celebrity baby names. Don't grown up celebrities deserve to be the same targets of derisive mockery as their children?

Yes, the answer is yes.