...If somehow every Adam Sandler script--excluding Punch Drunk Love--was sent back in time to caveman days by an evil Super-Scientist.
Man vs. Fart
Man vs. Farting Man
Man vs. Farting Bear
Man vs. Fart Machine
Man vs. Ghost Fart
Fart vs. Fart
Man vs. Farty Wizard
PROVE ME WRONG, ADAM SANDLER, PROVE ME WRONG!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
A Suggestion
A some suggestions regarding Baseball, steroid use, and what can be done to punish the players/fix the problem.
*ahem*
Any player caught using steroids that isn't retired must stop using said steroids and instead use an equivalent amount of estrogen injections over an equal period of time. Let's see how well they can field or hit the ball with pendulous man breasts a-floppin' every-which-way. Basically, the teams that kept it honest now will have the advantage over their newly breasted and constantly crying opponents.
Any player who admits to using steroids but is now retired must employ a pre-op tranny as his mistress and meet with her every other Tuesday for a game of 'catch'...if you know what I'm sayin', and I think you do. Also, they forfeit any chance at being in the hall of fame, unless there is a hall of fame for tranny lovin', in which case, have at it. AND their likeness is put on a commemerative baseball coin which may be collected, traded, or turned in directly to the player for a free kick to said player's steroid withered testicles sans cup.
The Jose Canseco Exception
If a player authors a tell all book exposing all other players for endulging in the same behaviors as said author, that player's picture must be placed in the dictionary next to the word Douchebag.
Bud Selig shall forever more be known as the George W. Bush of Baseball commissioners and be forced to wear women's socks for the remainder of his life.
Finally, the Yankees must pay every player the same amount, per year, forever, adjusted for inflation. I shall calibrate this equation by simply taking the Yankee with the highest salary and multiply that by 25. $6,250,000,000 that is what the Yankees MUST spend per year on player's salaries.
I just fixed Baseball, took me like, five minutes.
*ahem*
Any player caught using steroids that isn't retired must stop using said steroids and instead use an equivalent amount of estrogen injections over an equal period of time. Let's see how well they can field or hit the ball with pendulous man breasts a-floppin' every-which-way. Basically, the teams that kept it honest now will have the advantage over their newly breasted and constantly crying opponents.
Any player who admits to using steroids but is now retired must employ a pre-op tranny as his mistress and meet with her every other Tuesday for a game of 'catch'...if you know what I'm sayin', and I think you do. Also, they forfeit any chance at being in the hall of fame, unless there is a hall of fame for tranny lovin', in which case, have at it. AND their likeness is put on a commemerative baseball coin which may be collected, traded, or turned in directly to the player for a free kick to said player's steroid withered testicles sans cup.
The Jose Canseco Exception
If a player authors a tell all book exposing all other players for endulging in the same behaviors as said author, that player's picture must be placed in the dictionary next to the word Douchebag.
Bud Selig shall forever more be known as the George W. Bush of Baseball commissioners and be forced to wear women's socks for the remainder of his life.
Finally, the Yankees must pay every player the same amount, per year, forever, adjusted for inflation. I shall calibrate this equation by simply taking the Yankee with the highest salary and multiply that by 25. $6,250,000,000 that is what the Yankees MUST spend per year on player's salaries.
I just fixed Baseball, took me like, five minutes.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Celebrity Names that Annoy Me
For those of you that have seen Donnie Darko, you will probably remember the scene where the teacher--played by Drew Barrymore--tells her English class that the two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cellar Door." And, in the television program Dead Like Me, George Lass's mother could not stand the sound of the word 'Moist'. Why am I explaining this? Because I have bronchitis, and I'm bored, AND I decided to come up with a definitive list of Celebrities with annoying names. I don't have a problem with these people normally. I actually enjoy some of their work, but, for whatever reason or another, their names bug me. Reading them, hearing them said aloud, or even thinking about them makes my spine hurt. If any of you harbor a secret fountain of rage that wells inside you whenever you hear a particular name, I'd like to hear about it. Oh, and I'm not talking about baby names either, we'll cross that bridge when those kids can vote--I'm coming for you Audio Science.
Celebrity Names that are Stupid and Annoying Sounding
Evan Rachel Wood--Because whenever I see her name in a sentence it reads like, "Even Rachel Wood..."but misspelled. Example, "Evan Rachel Wood was at the premier of The Wrestler."
Aubrey O'Day--A name that sounds too much like an Irish pixie for her to be taking her clothes off for money.
Ashton Kutcher--See Derek Jeter
Erykah Badu--Let me guess, your real name is Erica, am I right? Well, my name is Dayvyd DehMayrcho--the H's are pronounced like K's.
Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio--Did your parents get paid by the syllable? Try Liz Masters, better still Mary Masters, every one loves alliteration.
Vivica A. Fox--The A either stands for arrogant or Anjanetta, I can't remember, and is
entirely a. unnecessary.
Tawny Kitaen--Seriously? Why not Calico Kitaen? Tabby Kitaen? Ooh, Stray Kitaen, she could be a sexy hobo.
Nikki Sixx--Nikki Sixx is a dude? Color my face red. Total slut nickname.
Yves St. Laurent--I look at that name and all I can think of is that riddle about a man going to St. Yves, and when I think of that riddle I can't help but think of Die Hard III, and nothing should make me think of Die Hard III EVER.
Kat Von D--Apparently a tattoo artist of some sort, famous for being on the Discovery Channel which is like being famous for being a sex symbol on PBS. When I first heard her name, I thought it was Kat Fondu and I though, "Well, that's a stupid name" and, well, old habits and such.
Derek Jeter--I'm sure he's very nice but that name screams douche bag.
Dick Wolf--could have gone with Richard, but no, had to be a dick. See what I did there?
Shannyn Sossamon--offensive to anyone with a sideways lisp. Also, was the person who named her kid Audio Science.
Carmen Electra--Because it sounds totally made up, and it was totally made up by Prince. Also, I was typing in her name on Google because I wanted to look up her real name and I barely got out Carmen El...before the phrase, "Carmen Electra riding a sybian" popped up automatically. For those of you at work who do not know what a sybian is, do not go investigating because you will get fired. It is a mystery best left to uncover at home. Note: because I am chaste and pure, I had no idea so I looked it up. I knew that thing had to have a proper name.
Katy Perry--This is what her wikipedia entry says about her, "Perry is known for her unconventional style of dress, often humorous, bright in color, and reminiscent of different decades, as well as her frequent use of fruit-shaped accessories, mainly watermelon, as part of her outfits." Let me break that down for you, "Perry is known for being retarded." Bottom line: Is it "Katie" or is it "Catty"? Either way is dumb.
So, there are some names to get you started. And before any of you clever monkeys can say it, YES, I HAVE TOO MUCH FREE TIME. That has been established many times thank-you-very-much. I tried finding an existing list of stupid celebrity names but all anyone seems to care about are stupid celebrity baby names. Don't grown up celebrities deserve to be the same targets of derisive mockery as their children?
Yes, the answer is yes.
Celebrity Names that are Stupid and Annoying Sounding
Evan Rachel Wood--Because whenever I see her name in a sentence it reads like, "Even Rachel Wood..."but misspelled. Example, "Evan Rachel Wood was at the premier of The Wrestler."
Aubrey O'Day--A name that sounds too much like an Irish pixie for her to be taking her clothes off for money.
Ashton Kutcher--See Derek Jeter
Erykah Badu--Let me guess, your real name is Erica, am I right? Well, my name is Dayvyd DehMayrcho--the H's are pronounced like K's.
Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio--Did your parents get paid by the syllable? Try Liz Masters, better still Mary Masters, every one loves alliteration.
Vivica A. Fox--The A either stands for arrogant or Anjanetta, I can't remember, and is
entirely a. unnecessary.
Tawny Kitaen--Seriously? Why not Calico Kitaen? Tabby Kitaen? Ooh, Stray Kitaen, she could be a sexy hobo.
Nikki Sixx--Nikki Sixx is a dude? Color my face red. Total slut nickname.
Yves St. Laurent--I look at that name and all I can think of is that riddle about a man going to St. Yves, and when I think of that riddle I can't help but think of Die Hard III, and nothing should make me think of Die Hard III EVER.
Kat Von D--Apparently a tattoo artist of some sort, famous for being on the Discovery Channel which is like being famous for being a sex symbol on PBS. When I first heard her name, I thought it was Kat Fondu and I though, "Well, that's a stupid name" and, well, old habits and such.
Derek Jeter--I'm sure he's very nice but that name screams douche bag.
Dick Wolf--could have gone with Richard, but no, had to be a dick. See what I did there?
Shannyn Sossamon--offensive to anyone with a sideways lisp. Also, was the person who named her kid Audio Science.
Carmen Electra--Because it sounds totally made up, and it was totally made up by Prince. Also, I was typing in her name on Google because I wanted to look up her real name and I barely got out Carmen El...before the phrase, "Carmen Electra riding a sybian" popped up automatically. For those of you at work who do not know what a sybian is, do not go investigating because you will get fired. It is a mystery best left to uncover at home. Note: because I am chaste and pure, I had no idea so I looked it up. I knew that thing had to have a proper name.
Katy Perry--This is what her wikipedia entry says about her, "Perry is known for her unconventional style of dress, often humorous, bright in color, and reminiscent of different decades, as well as her frequent use of fruit-shaped accessories, mainly watermelon, as part of her outfits." Let me break that down for you, "Perry is known for being retarded." Bottom line: Is it "Katie" or is it "Catty"? Either way is dumb.
So, there are some names to get you started. And before any of you clever monkeys can say it, YES, I HAVE TOO MUCH FREE TIME. That has been established many times thank-you-very-much. I tried finding an existing list of stupid celebrity names but all anyone seems to care about are stupid celebrity baby names. Don't grown up celebrities deserve to be the same targets of derisive mockery as their children?
Yes, the answer is yes.
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